OCD Fun(?) Fact #5:

There are different types of OCD. A hoarder (i.e. collecting pringles containers because of the obsessive notion that you might need them someday), a counter (things need to be done a certain number of times) a checker (checking and re-checking that doors are locked or the stove is off, a washer (washing your hands several times a day due to an obsessive fear of germs) and much, much more.

A person with OCD doesn't necessarily have all of these. And, vice versa, it is quite possible to have more than one. I, for example, am a checker, a counter, a washer, and more.

I check and re-check my car to make sure it is locked every time I leave it. I lock it, check the door, unlock and re-lock it, check the door, do it all over again, and then, just for good measure, press the lock button one more time before I'm able to leave.

I have to do things in even increments. The volume in my car gets turned up in two's. However, there are exceptions. Whenever I dry my hands in a public restroom, if I have to grab three paper towels. Two isn't enough to dry my hands sufficiently. Four is too many and it gets bulky and, therefore, I can't dry my hands sufficiently. You'll notice that it all hinges on getting my hands completely dry, but that comes into play when we get to compulsively washing my hands.

Speaking of washing my hands, I wash my hands countless times a day. The only reason they're not dry and raw is because I keep them covered in lotion all day long. Which is where drying comes into play. I have to keep my hands dry at all times. I have this obsessive fear that if they're wet, germs will stick to them and I'll die, or I'll spread some killer virus and everyone else will die, and it all could have been prevented by just drying my hands.

And the kicker: the ever elusive "and more." I have recently developed a new habit. I have an obsessive fear that my hands will fall out through my fingertips. Not just any fingertips - my thumb and forefinger. And it's in a specific spot on each hand. Yes. I said it. I'm afraid my HANDS are going to fall out through my FINGERTIPS. Therefore, I keep my thumb and forefinger pressed together all day and all night to "plug the holes." It's been going on so long I've actually got blisters in those spots.

This isn't everything, and it's just a quick overview, which should give you a bit of insight into just how complex of a disorder this really is.

OCD Fun(?) Fact #4:

Given that OCD is an anxiety disorder, it tends to get worse in times when the person is more stressed...*check!* but doesn't necessarily get BETTER when the stress is lessened...

For instance, I've been under a lot of stress in the past year. Some positive, and a whole lot of negative. I have noticed, in that time, a significant increase in obsessive thoughts and, therefore, rituals (compulsions) to try and subdue those thoughts. Take right now, for example. I currently have to hold my fore-finger and thumb together in exactly the right spot on both hands, because for whatever reason, I have an obsessive fear that my hands will fall out through my fingertips. 

I know, logically, that this cannot and will not happen. However, it doesn't stop me from holding my fingers that way, and now they're getting raw in those spots. If this keeps up, I'll likely wind up bleeding or having blisters on my fingers. But I can't stop. I've come to the realization that it would be in my best interest to seek treatment, so I've been asking around and gathering up the names of some cognitive-behavioral therapists in the area. I've spoken to a counselor who has given me a deadline for making the phone call, so that I have accountability.

OCD Fun(?) Fact #3:

The typical treatment for OCD is a cognitive-behavioral approach. Cognitive, of course, works to counteract maladaptive thought processes or schemas with positive ones, and behavioral works to counteract maladaptive behaviors with positive ones. Behavior therapy for OCD would be exposure therapy.

The very idea of exposure therapy for OCD (present a stimulus that would typically set off a compulsion...i.e. something is crooked or in odd numbers or *shudder* wet...and ask the patient to refrain from responding) terrifies me...folks, prepare to see what I mean...Below, I have posted the link to a video found on Oprah's website. One day, while flipping through the channels, I stumbled upon her show and Dr. Oz had taken a group of six people to OCD Boot Camp where they were exposed to their worst fears. This show almost made me physically ill just watching it and imagining how I would react if I were made to do the same thing.

http://www.oprah.com/media/20080601_tows_22229DumpsterVTR.wmv_O_VIDEO_1

The fact remains, however, that if I don't do something soon, I fear that this could completely consume me.

OCD Fun(?) Fact #2:

Compulsions are quite possibly the worst cure ever for obsessions...and yet...

I still have them. The reason I do the things I do - was my hands 'til they're raw, grab three paper towels to dry my hands after I wash them whenever I use the restroom, checking the time over and over and over again, ect. - is to try and appease the obsessions. To try and make them go away.

News flash: It doesn't work. So why, then, don't I just stop if it isn't helping? Because I CAN'T. I've tried. Lord knows I've tried. The very fact that the obsessions won't go away, despite my acting on them, just causes more stress and anxiety, which makes the whole situation worse. It's the snowball effect that consumes my life. Anyone with OCD - real OCD, not just some ocd tendencies, knows what I mean. I hope and pray every day that it'll go away. That I will be normal. That I won't care if my hands are wet, or if the teacher doesn't erase the board all the way, or if my socks go on in the wrong order. And every day, I wake up disappointed to find that it all still matters.

OCD Fun(?) Fact #1:

The random crap that goes on in my head makes absolutely no rational sense...and yet...

I still do it.

Why? Because I have to. I don't want to. I tell myself every day that I am a smart, logical person - I should be able to stop myself from doing the things I do to overcome my obsessions. But I can't. If I don't do things a certain way, I can't concentrate. I've had full-blown panic attacks before when I was unable to "fix" something.

Small aside - Here is a partial list of my obsessions/compulsions:
Hands must be dry. As in, no water or moisture. But they must remain hydrated - lotion at ALL times.
Things must be in even numbers, such as volume on the car radio - it HAS to be on an even number or go up in increments of two.
Some things need to be in multiples of five - it is the only way to get around an even number. Unless it's paper towel after washing my hands, in which case I need three paper towels.
Things must be straight and evenly placed. Unless it is already chaotic. There is no right way to be chaotic.

There is really SOOOO much more, but I could spend weeks here typing and still not give a complete list. And, you'll notice, that most of that makes no sense. It doesn't (or shouldn't) matter. But, to me, it does. A lot. It consumes me. It becomes me. There are days when I truly feel that it IS me.